A Stretch of Vulnerability
This summer has brought a trip down the road of vulnerability. The combination of PTSD, post-concussive syndrome and peripheral neuropathy has not been a wonderful experience. Big time brain mush. That would be plenty to work with but circumstances also rendered my balance null and void. I found myself burdened with vertigo and a comical series of falls. Comical only because I didn’t get hurt and only looking back.
I am pleased to say I am gaining on it….different meds, an improved health care team and the personal resolve “to just rest my brain.” I have written very little and ventured nowhere. I did partake in a new hobby - needlefelting small animals. Stabbing a handful of wool probably provided an avenue for my frustration. It is a curious activity, soothingly tactile, mindless, requiring attention and punishing if you lose focus. There is the victory of accomplishment. All of this was salve for the cross-circuiting brain.
The other expression that happened during this time was a painting (above.)It was the culmination of a 10 mo class called Art as Soul Language. I barely held on for this completion as the medication mixups left me nauseous and week as a kitten. My painting was done intuitively and is called “Purr” because I felt healing would be felt in rhythms and resonance. I am a strong believer in art as a healing modality. She (the painting) helped me recover a sense of hope!
I am now considering how to get back to some of my activities this fall. It will require the slowest of efforts since I can get overwhelmed fairly easily in stimulating environments. What I have learned from all this is that life requires some surrender. When we find we are fighting our hardest and losing ground there may be relief and renewal in surrender.
My word for the year is “grace” . (Hah! Careful what you ask for. )Seriously, vulnerability doesn’t have to be a bad actor. While it can be fairly frightening, things breaking apart offers the opportunity of new forms or ways. That has been my experience.
