I Don’t Have to Explain

All of my life I have felt pressure to explain my decisions and I have complied. As I consider this, I am realizing that the requests speak more to the needs of those inquiring than any responsibility of mine. I can and should make my own decisions based on my sense of values, my personal goals, my “druthers”. This is about one’s own personal integrity and it does not need justification.

Earlier in my life it felt like there was some external judge of correct action - norms or others’ expectations that I should try to meet. I would reach for explanations that would make sense to them and seek a stamp of approval. I would experience some relief if I was “understood.”

As a parent I engaged in explaining my decisions for the edification of my youngsters as a way of modeling my way of thinking critically so they could see how it’s done by me. They, of course, would find their own ways of planning, setting goals, applying themselves, evaluating results, and concluding whether a change of course was appropriate.

Perhaps because I am now an elder, I believe I have paid my dues concerning explanations! Increasingly, I am aware that my choices about kairos living and my intuition can be relied on and cannot be completely understood by anyone else anyway. It is a time in my life when I am caring first for myself, my health, and “my truth!”

Those I love and those who love me celebrate without asking… they trust and respect that I know my right choices. They listen if I want to reflect but do not press.